Once u...

Once upon a time there was a deeper understanding. I remember the pure innocence of our love. How uncomplicated the relationship was in the absence of great responsibility. Perhaps our age or the lack of smack-you-in-your-face experiences made life and love effortless. I feel fortunate, blessed, to have enjoyed the simplicity of loving you.Now, the feelings are complicated. No longer just you and I. I sense the great divide that keeps us apart and long for the feelings of old, the comfort of you that made the universe right. Your words, your touch, they communicate nothing because that is what you have to offer me. The bursts of passion you let escape cloud the picture of reality you paint with your actions. I recognize my own behavior for what it is- unpredictable. I say and promise one thing, yet mean and do another, so all the more complex the situation becomes.Saddened, surprised, and embarrassed I reach for the shattered remains to piece what is left of me back together, wondering if it would have been better to have never tasted you.

So...

So, in summary, a few things I've been reminded of or discovered the past two weeks:Just when you think your life needs a good kick in the ass, you get just that, kicked in the ass.Don't ask for love, you'll have no idea what to do with it when you get it.Sometimes your best friends are your toughest critics.When you think you're above something or someone, you'll find youself humbled and actually capable of far worse. Someone is going to take the heat in the end.You really can't handle the truth. You thought you could. But you can't. Really, you can't. You never see yourself clearly and objectively. You never see others clearly and objectively.Children are gifts from God. Passion is food.It's hard to leave a good mattress.Drive ins are wonderful places.Life is interesting, a blessing, and not to be taken for granted.

360 degrees

Ah...my state of mind is so much better. It's so amazing to me just how complex life can be and how your emotions can bring you full cycle...this is why people and their behavior is so fucking fascinating to me...I love the full throttle feeling of being on the edge and then jumping. This will make sense to noone right now...but I have been doing a lot of standing on the edge and way to much jumping recently. I rediscovered passion, felt incredibly humbled, nearly lost my sanity, questioned my entire belief system, and still managed to go to organic lab in the past two weeks. I have many updates on my sister, my husband, my ex, my children, and school...but it will have to wait for more time for me to get all the thoughts and details down ...probably later in the week...I'm thrilled to have survived the past two weeks and while I feel exhausted, I also feel euphoric because again I have learned a very valuable lesson on the path to self discovery and I kinda like who I am right now, madness included.

I'm g...

I'm going to fail my org exam in the AM. It's been difficult to focus on anything recently. I find it impossible to sit and focus on studying. I really could have used a break this summer from classes... For the first time in a long time, I don't give a fuck about my grades. I stopped going to class too. My sister was just told they found a cancer growth on her bone. It sounds bad, very bad. She's worried about me...imagine that...she says it was so hard for us to lose our mother to cancer and now i'll be alone if she were to die of cancer. how morbid..first i don't want her thinking of dying...and i don't want her worried about me...she should be..i don't know what she should be doing. I'm scared for her and scared for me. I'm trying to be positive but it's not easy when you have already have a history with seeing ppl you love just fade away in front of your eyes. things are not good with e..actually pretty lousy right now...and then there is another dimension, unresolved, something that i don't want to write about now...I feel exhausted and I've been getting enough sleep. I think my iron must be low or i'm under too much stress. Well on a happier note, G is ...gonna have to finich later...phone call

...Just the idea of romance...

Just the idea of romance can make your head spin. Romance can only exist in short spurts, otherwise we would all die from ulcers and immobility. The idea of romance is a dangerous thing. Butterflies, nerves, suspicion, reading through the words, looks, touches, all too exhausting. Romance is better witnessed in films or tv, where you can remain objectively detached, but there is no fun in being the bystander. We all want the idea of romance and the full weight of romance right on top of us (or underneath us, or in the bathtub, or in an elevator, or...). By nature we are greedy, greedy, so we take all the romance we can get...mine, mine(!) and we invite the romance into our heads and our hearts, and then we wait for the ax to fall.

oh..and i also died my hair platinum blonde

oh..and i also died my hair platinum blonde

roller coaster

what an insane, i mean insane!, last few days. I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. i can't think straight, i can't eat, i can't anyhting...i'm exhilarated and exhausted and just so blown away from the events of the last few days...my stomach is in knots..it makes me feel queezy and giddy and nervous and anxiuos and for me being this so completely off kilter is past abnormal it just doesn't happen to me, yet i am GONE...I'm not sure when I'll be able to write about this last few days in detail...but I had to capture these emotions before i forget to later...

WORDSOn...

WORDSOnce, there were not enough words.Remember when the words were exciting, hopeful, and promising?The words were so numerous, addictive, and fulfilling.Then, in time, the words changed.The words became emotional, questioning, and painful.The words grew bitter, jealous, and twisted.Now, there are no more words.Once, there were not enough words.

why does the weekend have to end? NOOOOOOOO, come back!

so the weekend is over. why does it seem like before-hand the weekend will last forever and then afterwards its a big blur? yesterday we had a BBQ and a pool-thing. it was the most relaxing day of all. we made pina coladas, mmmm, and tons of food. I don't eat pork, red meat, or chicken, so i didn't get close to half of it, but I had some excellent mahi mahi smoked on the grill and corn-on-the-cob and homemade mac and cheese...mmmmmm...the pool was gorgeous again..I'm looking forward to getting in the pool at least once a week over the summer. I'm nice and tanned now...I like having a tan...I think I look a little sun-kissed. because i did no work over the weekend, i'm screwed now...i'm behind in all my lectures and i still have to do this weeks org chem lab...i can't say enough how much i hate lab and how tortured i feel having to write up this pre-lab...terrible!...the study i'm managing is crap right now...the guy designing the webpage for me is not making any progress...zilch...he is the laziest fuck in the world right now...i was going to fly to NY to jump on his ass two weeks ago and he talked me out of the trip..which was fine for me bcs i would have missed the 1st week of class...now that i came down a little hard on him..."give me a deadline or else"...he's being an ass to get the work done...i set up a conference call for today with the CEO and lazy boy...and now my boss,CEO, can't make it bcs he has a conflicting call also related to the study that he has to be on...urrrgggghhhh...i was gonna call lazy boy out and now i'll have to listen to his excuses for an hour...if only the money wasnt good and the hours/project wasn't so flexible...well i think i found a camp for shy over the summer...gotta find $380 for that. already i feel the walls closing in and its tues am..the beautiful weekend just ended..also sis is going to the doc to have a biopsy...my heart is beating a little faster now..i feel the tension mounting...why can't the calender get stuck on Sat indefinetly?

This weekend is beautiful!

This weekend is exactly what I needed. I spent the better part of the day yesterday in the pool with my kids, my nephew, my sister, and the "adopted neighbor who won't go away!" The weather was gorgeous(!) and the water was amazing, I mean AMAZING. I just started reading The Divinchi Code by Dan Brown(?). I read Angels and Demons a while back and enjoyed it, but I have to space books like these out and in between non-fiction, girlie-stuff, and school books. Anways I was hooked by page 2. There is nothing like reading by a pool, while feeling the sun caressing your skin as you dip your feet and hear children laughing and splashing in the background. (By the way, I was the best at Marco Polo! The kids made me chase them most of the time though!) E was in the yard washing the cars, determined to make a trip to Ft Myers later in the day...why wash a car to get on a highway? I have no idea but hey...guys think different than us ladies. I was busy enjoying the outdoors and the last thing I wanted to do was be cooped up in the car for 5 hrs in two days...not this weekend...so I sent him to go see his brothers in Ft Misery...I mean Myers...by himself, to play golf, to BBQ whatever brothers do when they get together. I needed a break from him ..and I think he needed one from me too...Last night, I went to Miami and bowling with Shy and some friends...we decided to bring a posse of kids...3 adults to 6 children....totally outnumbered but we gave them a lane to themselves and we bowled and drank a few pitchers of beer. I bowl much better after a few drinks. The ball just seems to make contact with the floor smoother and is much faster and fluid-like (odd word. but it fits I think). I hadn't been bowling in years! A lot of fun and very silly we all acted...I made a snow angel or danced after every strike..all three times...ha ha! (I caught a few eyes looking my way, but I did the right thing...never made eye contact even though one of the guys was hmmm...well mmhhmm he was all that...I noticed this as I peeked over at him later...its okay to look right?) We hit up Denny's at about 2:30 AM and I was exhausted...being in the sun makes me sleepy at night. I'll maybe hit the mall today and spend time at my Dad's house...we'll see. In the back of my mind I have some concerns about E and what is happening in our relationship...we've been on seperate pages recently..not really listening to each other...hmm..I'm not going to psychoanalyze it right now because I won't enjoy the day...which is my priority...so that's all for now...stay well...

Yup, Yup... It's Friday ya'll!!!!!!!

Thank the good Lord it is FRIIIIIIDAY!!!! I plan on doin it up(!) this weekend...getting some nuch needed R&R! AMEN! Yes, that means the beach/pool, sun, beer, BBQ and happy children...did I mention sex?...yes, much good sex is required. The Lord is good! Thank you Lord! I am so excited to have this long weekend...mmmhhhmmm..it is so needed because the tank was on empty...Oh, before I forget, I went to see Monster in Law last nite...I laughed the whole way through...what a cute movie...I'm off to dinner at Outback and the first word out of my mouth when I get there will be "COSMO!" and "Make it fast" : ) ...stay well...

uuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhh

one more thought for the day...who the fuck (sorry) decided to torture students with not just one, but 2 lousy friggin semesters of organic chemistry..that's it, I'm dropping out of school! whew...that felt good...back to the books

Do you ...

Do you believe in past lives? I'm reading a book by a Psychiatrist...Dr. Brian Weiss...a true story of his experiences with a patient. He has a pretty impressive and long, successful med career. (He went to a great med school and also taught at UM.) He's also recognized by his peers...the works! Well, he put his career on the line to write this book on how through hypnosis (which for many years I did not believe in until I understood hypnosis to be just a very deep state of relaxation...with some of the same physical responses seen in sleep) he was able to relieve the anxiety, depression, and fear one of his patients was experiencing. The patient was young, pretty, educated (a nurse), who was in a bad, mentally abusive relationship. She couldn't really figure out why she was becoming so depressed and panicky..she was beginning to hate herself and life. (Haven't we all at some point in time.) Anyways, through hypnosis she began revealing things that had happened to "her". In her explanations of experiences she would describe the time period she was in (which spanned by several generations in each mtg), she could be male or female and at any point over the course of the life (young/old/just born/dying). With remarkable accuracy she would depict the environment (clothes, events, games, sports, industry) and herself and what she was experiencing. She could also describe and see links among people who were present in her various lives. So the same woman for example could be a best friend, a mother, a sister, a coworker depending on the life. Without me rewriting the book, there are a few themes: past lives exist, we tend to have the same circle of people "travel" with us through our lifetimes, we learn and gain from each lifetime to grow in the next, we are guided in our lifetime by more highly evolved souls who can touch us for brief moments or "see us" through an entire life, and finally we are trying to achieve "Godliness"- or come as close to our spiritual creator in actions and will. The idea of past lives is not new, whole religious beliefs are based on the premise. This MD, who was trained to approach everything from a factual, scientific methodology, encounters a patient with experiences he cannot verify. Oh, the clincher for the MD...he has been present in a few of her previous lives...she knows things about him (both public information and private..even pains and secrets that he has shared with noone). So there it is, what do you think?

all is peaceful on the home front...tired

well the drama is over...it was a friday, end of the week, bitch session for me the last time I wrote and my husband got me at a bad time...after a long day of organic chem and work...no big deal anymore...I'm pretty tired and wish I could take the summer off from school...it would be nice to just chill for a while. I'm smoking again...cigs that is...after about two weeks...drinking always sucks me back in...my two goals for the summer are to get back in shape...so I can walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing and to get some order and routine back in my life so things in general run more smoothly...its getting difficult to juggle everything when things are out of wack and in fast forward.G is so friggin cute...he's learning his colors and can count to 5...Shy is the best sister ever..thank God she helps me out. Today I did an Alzheimers test for a 99 year old woman...she was so cute and so animated...at times i thought i was going to break out into hysterical laughter cause she was making these crazy faces at me while thinking of the answers...and I had to shout at her bcs her hearing was so bad...she was very sharp though and scored better than a lot of ppl I've seen 20 yrs younger...when I gave her the depression test, she got emotional and was talking about how lonely she was bcs she moved in with her son and left NY and all of her old friends behind...she said her daughter in law was abrupt with her and then she started to hold the tears back...I wanted to grab her and take her home with me...this is the 2nd test in a row I've done and gotten so emotionally involved in...I cried after my last patient..he walked out of the test bcs he was performing so badly and he knew it...he put his head in his hands and was choking back the words and holding the tears at bay...he kept apologizing to me..when his wife saw him she got really concerned...he kissed my cheek and said he couldn't do anymore and had to leave...when I told my boss they had left and why, I started to cry. I don't know what kind of doctor I will be if I can't hold it together to administer a simple alzheimers test...most of the patients are from money and have families and healthcare...imagine people with nothing and noone... well I hope I can show them some compassion for the amount of time they spend with me...i may be biasing the results by not keeping my tester objectivity but whats more important...reaching out to someone when they are fragile or scewing a few numbers by being a little compassionate. i think I like working with the elderly population...i never thought I would feel that way...but they have nothing to prove...they are generous and kind and always have great advice and generally a good sense of humor...maybe we lose our selfishness, competetiveness, and judgemental criticism as we age...here's hoping I'm around that long to see it in myself...goodnight...stay well

Today I'd like to trade in my husband for a better model

Granted my husband allows me to be me...in other words it's okay with him that my behavior is well..uh...bizarre...he accepts the fact (I think he even loves and enjoys) my desire to be defined in many ways...I'm not okay with one word terms that describe and limit how I should behave, such as...wife...mother..friend..lover...I'm too complicated for simple descriptors and I'm too ambitious for my own good...My husband is strong and secure, loving, and gives me freedom to be. BUT HE REALLY PISSED ME OFF TODAY! I have a 9 year old daughter and a 2 yr old son and I wouldn't dare juggle school and work and my children without a strong support system around me helping me maintain some semblance of sanity. My husband completely supports my dream to go to med school...I'm only a few months away from MCATS and the application process and he's been really supportive giving me time to study, work, etc (although it is taking a toll on him, our relationship, and our finances) ANWAYS my Dad, who wants me to be a doctor as much as I want to become one, sacrifices so much for me to go to school too!...because we didn't want my son to go to day care and I didn't want to take a lot of time off from school, my Dad who is a healthy, lively 70 year old retiree, volunteered to watch my son in the days and sometimes into the evening hours. He drives from his house 20 minutes sometimes as early as 6:30 and 7:00 am so I can make it to class on time. He even helps around the house...we have a cleaning peron come once a week and you would never know by the condition of my house...well my husband, that bastard, today was bitching and complaining about my dad giving him so much grief about all kinds of shit today...they were both trapped in each others company for the majority of the day... I'm going out to dinner now...but I'll finish this little melodrama soon...

Can women today have it all? (and be divas too!)

I want it all. I want a happy, "healthy" family, close friends, a profession (YES, I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR!), and I want to be a diva all day, every day. Is that possible? (I'd make a white lab coat look fashionable!) I think I pose this question already knowing the answer. There is no such thing as having it all. I'm pretty ambitious, maybe too ambitious,...at the risk of my family, children, and friends. I tell myself when I am fulfilled, I'm a better person, wife, mother, etc...I think that might just be a selfish justification. It would drive me absolutely crazy to be a "stay at home" wife/mother. Having been there done that for six months, I know it's not easy! It's also boring as hell...You can only bake so many cookies before throwing your hands in the air and screaming NO MORE FUCKING COOKIES! I have two beautiful children who seem okay with mommy not chaperoning every move they make and forming play dates...nothing wrong with playdates I'm just not interested in discussing with other moms the color of my children's shit and baby einstein movies. I'm more interested in why does e=mc^2^ and special relativity and inertial frame of reference..okay just completed physics II and I don't give a shit about special relativity actually...been there, done that ... so can I be a good mom and a doctor too? I'm going to bed..stay well...