Once u...

Once upon a time there was a deeper understanding. I remember the pure innocence of our love. How uncomplicated the relationship was in the absence of great responsibility. Perhaps our age or the lack of smack-you-in-your-face experiences made life and love effortless. I feel fortunate, blessed, to have enjoyed the simplicity of loving you.Now, the feelings are complicated. No longer just you and I. I sense the great divide that keeps us apart and long for the feelings of old, the comfort of you that made the universe right. Your words, your touch, they communicate nothing because that is what you have to offer me. The bursts of passion you let escape cloud the picture of reality you paint with your actions. I recognize my own behavior for what it is- unpredictable. I say and promise one thing, yet mean and do another, so all the more complex the situation becomes.Saddened, surprised, and embarrassed I reach for the shattered remains to piece what is left of me back together, wondering if it would have been better to have never tasted you.

So...

So, in summary, a few things I've been reminded of or discovered the past two weeks:Just when you think your life needs a good kick in the ass, you get just that, kicked in the ass.Don't ask for love, you'll have no idea what to do with it when you get it.Sometimes your best friends are your toughest critics.When you think you're above something or someone, you'll find youself humbled and actually capable of far worse. Someone is going to take the heat in the end.You really can't handle the truth. You thought you could. But you can't. Really, you can't. You never see yourself clearly and objectively. You never see others clearly and objectively.Children are gifts from God. Passion is food.It's hard to leave a good mattress.Drive ins are wonderful places.Life is interesting, a blessing, and not to be taken for granted.

360 degrees

Ah...my state of mind is so much better. It's so amazing to me just how complex life can be and how your emotions can bring you full cycle...this is why people and their behavior is so fucking fascinating to me...I love the full throttle feeling of being on the edge and then jumping. This will make sense to noone right now...but I have been doing a lot of standing on the edge and way to much jumping recently. I rediscovered passion, felt incredibly humbled, nearly lost my sanity, questioned my entire belief system, and still managed to go to organic lab in the past two weeks. I have many updates on my sister, my husband, my ex, my children, and school...but it will have to wait for more time for me to get all the thoughts and details down ...probably later in the week...I'm thrilled to have survived the past two weeks and while I feel exhausted, I also feel euphoric because again I have learned a very valuable lesson on the path to self discovery and I kinda like who I am right now, madness included.

I'm g...

I'm going to fail my org exam in the AM. It's been difficult to focus on anything recently. I find it impossible to sit and focus on studying. I really could have used a break this summer from classes... For the first time in a long time, I don't give a fuck about my grades. I stopped going to class too. My sister was just told they found a cancer growth on her bone. It sounds bad, very bad. She's worried about me...imagine that...she says it was so hard for us to lose our mother to cancer and now i'll be alone if she were to die of cancer. how morbid..first i don't want her thinking of dying...and i don't want her worried about me...she should be..i don't know what she should be doing. I'm scared for her and scared for me. I'm trying to be positive but it's not easy when you have already have a history with seeing ppl you love just fade away in front of your eyes. things are not good with e..actually pretty lousy right now...and then there is another dimension, unresolved, something that i don't want to write about now...I feel exhausted and I've been getting enough sleep. I think my iron must be low or i'm under too much stress. Well on a happier note, G is ...gonna have to finich later...phone call

...Just the idea of romance...

Just the idea of romance can make your head spin. Romance can only exist in short spurts, otherwise we would all die from ulcers and immobility. The idea of romance is a dangerous thing. Butterflies, nerves, suspicion, reading through the words, looks, touches, all too exhausting. Romance is better witnessed in films or tv, where you can remain objectively detached, but there is no fun in being the bystander. We all want the idea of romance and the full weight of romance right on top of us (or underneath us, or in the bathtub, or in an elevator, or...). By nature we are greedy, greedy, so we take all the romance we can get...mine, mine(!) and we invite the romance into our heads and our hearts, and then we wait for the ax to fall.

oh..and i also died my hair platinum blonde

oh..and i also died my hair platinum blonde

roller coaster

what an insane, i mean insane!, last few days. I have felt a whirlwind of emotions. i can't think straight, i can't eat, i can't anyhting...i'm exhilarated and exhausted and just so blown away from the events of the last few days...my stomach is in knots..it makes me feel queezy and giddy and nervous and anxiuos and for me being this so completely off kilter is past abnormal it just doesn't happen to me, yet i am GONE...I'm not sure when I'll be able to write about this last few days in detail...but I had to capture these emotions before i forget to later...